The Hidden Genius Of Those Lame Christmas Hallmark Movies
Don’t try to deny that you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve seen these movies virtually everywhere in the lead-up to Christmas. Hallmark was the chief proprietor of these films; they even have an entire channel devoted to them, but now streaming services like Netflix are jumping on the bandwagon.
These are not good movies. Not by a long shot.
That being said, they are absolutely genius in their design and execution.
Cookie Cutter Cinema
The plots of these films—if you can call them plots—are the very definition of cookie-cutter.
When it comes to Hallmark movies, the plot seems to revolve around a few common themes:
Romantic Comedy — A big-city professional returns to their hometown and falls for a charming local.
Holiday Magic — Santa, angels, or Christmas miracles.
Family Drama — Estranged or dysfunctional families reconnect over Christmas traditions.
Career vs. Love — A protagonist reconsiders their high-powered career in favour of love and simpler values.
Netflix follows many of the same formats as Hallmark but uses well-known actors like Lindsay Lohan to drive audiences to them.
While you might think that the predictability of these films would drive people away, the opposite seems to be true, and I think it boils down to one simple thing.
The individuals who love these films want to spend an hour and a half escaping into a world with a happy ending, wholesome themes, and picturesque settings. When you’re enjoying your Nespresso in bed on a chilly December Saturday morning, the last thing you want is to watch a movie that leaves you feeling anything but happy.
They are predictable, formulaic, and not grounded in any version of reality, but they let viewers escape from the stress of the holidays for a short while.
This cookie-cutter, assembly-line, mass-production filmmaking model is also cost-effective. The average Hallmark Christmas movie costs around 2 million dollars, while Netflix Christmas movies may cost up to 30 million. Considering the average Marvel movie costs a quarter of a billion dollars, these goofy Christmas movies offer much better value.
Feel Good Endings
I love a grounded, gritty, and realistic ending. I love it when I come out of the film wondering about what it all meant or shocked at how it ended. Life does not hand out happy endings, and I don’t want my films to go out of their way to tie everything up in a festive bow.
These Christmas movies don’t give us realistic endings.
Everyone always lives happily ever after, and you walk away from it feeling good, or if you’re like me, shaking your head at the absurdity of it all.
Which is the point. These movies are a brief respite from Christmas chaos and serve the singular purpose of giving the viewer a predictable, festive, and happy story that leaves them feeling good about spending the last hour and a half curled up on the couch or sipping a morning coffee in bed on a lazy Sunday morning.
Simple Plots
Most films I love to watch have unique takes on tried-and-true tropes, but the Holiday Hallmark or Netflix movie usually follows identical plots.
A girl meets a boy and is annoyed by him. The boy is usually rough around the edges and wears flannel.
They’re forced to work together usually to save Christmas
They realize that they are meant to be together
There is a setback that drives them apart
They reunite in time to save the day and spend the rest of their lives together in bliss
I even wrote it out as a formula (you’re welcome, Hallmark):
(G+B)P-S+R=C
See.. Girl + Boy x Problem - Setback + Reuniting = Christmas!
This formula is genius because it delivers exactly what the viewer wants and expects. Deviating from it would result in total rejection of the film, chaos in the streets, and possibly destabilizing the entire nation.
Okay, maybe not the last two, but people would hate a film that didn’t deliver on its promise of a happy holiday movie.
No Shortage of Plots
If you swap out the key components of the movie, you will have a totally different film.
Switch the jobs of the main characters. Slide in a new backstory and rename the town. Find a new problem that needs solving.
The possibilities are endless.
Seriously, I got ChatGPT to pump out a script in seconds, and it would be just as good as the actual movies.
Concluding Thoughts
Dumb, predictable Christmas movies are here to stay, and there is little doubt that in the coming years, husbands will be looking at their wives asking the age-old question:
“Are you sure we didn’t watch this one last year?”